Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?