Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Heroic Misunderstanding

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.