teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.