@ZWindsor_

Teacher- “How much is a gram?” Me- “Depends on what you want” Teacher- “Out, just get out”

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@ceejoyner

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@IntoxicaTweeted

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

@flashember

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

@theshamingofjay

It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.