Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”