Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
sigh
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.