Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat