Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Autocorrect completely socks
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.