TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.