Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

What?

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”