TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.