TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Finally, an explanation.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.