Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
