Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
