Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
