Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
