Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
couldn’t resist
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel