Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.