Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

Leftovers are for quitters!

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}