Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Cinematography is my passion

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)