Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.