Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.