Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.