Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.