Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies