Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

My typo game is string.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.