TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
This has made my week.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Waiting for the Charmin
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
good work, everybody