TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I hate everything
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
the three branches of government
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.