TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.