*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Lmao
