*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Worst bar ever.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
RT if you could go either way.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
