*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.