teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
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I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.