Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?