Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to put an American base on the sun

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Become a minion. Get that bread.

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now