@FredTaming

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

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@ehdannyboy

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

@JDBooie

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

@CatJacquesESPN

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

@A_Bit_Too_Rude

*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*

@birbigs

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

@iGreenMonk

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.

@GimpySunshine

ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

@HousewifeOfHell

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.