teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

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I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”


Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.


Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!


*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*


New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”


Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.


ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁


Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.


I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.