Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

When the stylist spins you back around

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.