Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
