Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
this FaceApp is creepy af
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
