Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
The news is so predictable nowadays
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
