TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
umm…
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn