Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Whoa 😂

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.