Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Hmmmmm

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”