Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh