teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
it is time once again
Sounds like a real hoot.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.