Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Y’all know who you are.

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.