teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.