teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”