Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*