Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
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Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
#Caturday
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.