Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

#NeverForget

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows