Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

Growing out my freckles.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Respect

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.