Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Me when I try to be useful

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words