Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

I get distracted pretty eas

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.