Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.