Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

this was very charming

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo