Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?