Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Discuss

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man