Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
You Might Also Like
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
dude it’s called proctologist
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.