Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
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they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I should have stayed in kindergarten.