Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

“No way.” -Jose

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously