Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
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School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.