Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.