Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

Boom, boom, ching!

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Are you ok, human???

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake