Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Lmao 🤣
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
