teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
You Might Also Like
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.