Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Kermit goes Blue.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.