Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want