TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
2022 will be better than 2021
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
“That’s what” – She
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!