TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I only eat vegetarians.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with