TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.