Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

Otters see a butterfly.

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.