Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
You Might Also Like
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective