Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Guy who likes music
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t