@ArfMeasures

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

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@KyleMcDowell86

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

@WhatevaConc

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

@redditships

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

@UncleDuke1969

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

@causticbob

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

@WittySassBasket

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.