Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm