Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair