Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.