Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

For anyone who needs this today

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Baking is just science you can eat.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.