Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

bury ourselves

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.