Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.